More and more we are acknowledging the crucial role story plays in the human experience. In fact, psychologists insist that a “coherent narrative,” a story that gives expression to one’s circumstance and anticipates one’s future, is a necessary requirement for mental health. Otherwise, on what basis would we make our choices in the world?
People who have experienced severe emotional trauma cannot heal until they can integrate the experience into their life’s story. They have to be able to talk about it, communicate in words what happened. This is the only way they can eventually master the experience rather than letting it consume and ultimately define them.
We are all in search of our own story, a narrative that gives our lives meaning, a glue that holds together all the disparate pieces of our individual histories and makes sense of the time we spend on earth. A story not only provides a coherent way to view the past, but enables us to anticipate the future. It gives us our “outlook.” Our story is also our bridge to other people. For us to be known, our story must be known.
A shared story is what holds cultures, nations, families, together. It gives people the “sameness,” the unity of experience, shared assumptions and common ground that allows a people to think and act as an entity. It is as if a culture is a myriad of mirrors, all facing outward. When members look at each other, to a large extent they see themselves reflected back. The more unified the culture, the less dissention about what the story is. It is just “understood.”
It should come as no surprise that an essential step in creating intimate, trusting relationships, is the exchange of stories between people. “This is who I am,” we are saying. As we listen to another person’s experiences, their motivations, their history, their dreams and aspirations, their fears, and they listen to ours, a brand-new story is forged, our shared story. This shared story is called a relationship, that collection of common understandings and mutual expectations. With a common pool of understanding we can more effectively think and act together, plan for a shared future.
Creating relationship can be a one-time event or a process that evolves over a lifetime. What is required is a mutual sharing and listening. It doesn’t mean we like each other, or even support one another’s goal, but we can more clearly “see” each other. We become known to one another.
Author, Speaker, Storyteller, Mississippi native
So beautifully said….
You get the prize for the very first commenter. And you are being acknowledged as such because it was positive!! Thanks so much for checking in.
Now, I’ve got go write a note to the 1000th visitor. Oops, not quit yet.
I love your emphasis on relatedness–we tell our stories not to impress but to share our common humanity and escape the twin prisons of hubris and self-doubt.
Vikki, I think I’ve just found my first guest blogger! Thanks. It’s been such a joy finding someone with your background who gets this “story thing”, even when I babble about it incoherently.
I just turned pg 510 of Delphi. Thank you for the many hours of substantive enjoyment! Being inbued from birth with Minnesota Nice rapport, and still trying to cure myself of it, I envied the feistiness and raw truthfulness of the relationships. Key moment: when Vida and Hazel found their leg strength together. From that moment on, the story really soared.
Floyd’s obsessive sloganeering must reflect your experiences as a corporate consultant. I take it your baseball career was short?
From your bio, like you, I always enjoyed hanging out and washing dishes with the women in the kitchen at family gatherings while the men watched football, drank, smoked and blathered banality. This affection of yours shows up wonderully in the eavedropping of the maid gatherings. I loved those scenes and now I realize why. What is it about women?
Great book. Thanks a lot for writing it!
Doug Rosenquist – Minneapolis
Doug,
I loved your post–not only for the kind words, but being another male who “gets” the magic of story that women carried. Yes, they were my teachers and given a choice whether to sit on the front porch with the men and listen to crop reports and automotive advice or sit with the women in the kitchen and hear tales about folks, their personal affairs, their vanities and frailties, I chose the latter.
Thanks again. Oh, yeah. And good catch on the sloganeering. yes, I got that from all the Dale Carnegie, Earl Nightingale, and other motivation seminars I was forced to attend to get my attitude straight. I guess a good attitude makes for a good businessman, but it only makes for a mediocre artist. LOL.